This blog will address the whole project for project 3 called Culture vs. Progress. This blog is directed directly at the peer-reviewer to talk about what the strengths and weaknesses of this project are.
This project has several things you the reviewer should know about. Firstly this issue has been an ongoing controversy for years but hadn't become a major controversy until recently. However this controversy is limited to Phoenix and particularly the south side of Phoenix. Nevertheless this is a very divisive and controversial issue in Phoenix and its importance on the rest of the state should not be underestimated.
I worry that the essay might not have enough direct evidence from my sources and might need sources to support other ideas that I had in the essay (like the animal crossings). I think that direct quotes might be needed in abundance to help add legitimacy to my proposal, however I am weary of the essay becoming too built upon outside arguments.
Some of the things that I think went well in this essay were the depiction of the controversy and explanation of why it is controversial. I also think that the way that I built upon these different sides to put my argument together. I think by explaining each side I was able to put together a rational medium which will appease both sides yet be the correct response to the concerns raised by either side.
Here is my rough cut of Project 3.
Hey Jason! I think you have a good start here. My one suggestion is this- right now, your paper reads as a research report with an opinionated ending. I think you should voice your opinion throughout and debunk all the other arguments. It's a little too much summary right now. Make that adjustment and you should be good to go! Good job!
ReplyDeleteJason,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your rough cut. I think it is well put together and I only have one suggestion. I noticed that you talked a lot about arguments that were against the creation of the freeway, and I think you might want to look into spending a little more time talking about the solution that you think is best for everyone. You mentioned it at the end of the project, but maybe you could add a little more to make sure the reader fully understands what you think should be done. All in all you did great work, I think you will have a very successful project.
I have an idea which might address Sarah's and Malik's suggestions. I feel the paper could be more effective if it were sort of inverted: it could start with a concise intro and get right into your proposed solution. Then, in the style of a public argument, you could address all the counterarguments and show the solution you propose in the beginning is the best balance of each viewpoint.
ReplyDeleteIt could also be worthwhile to spend some time addressing the severity of the issue with statistics. Most of the footnotes in the essay currently address how different groups feel about the project--none are really used to support your solution and why it's better than other proposed solutions. It might help the argument to first establish (with stats about hours lost or the economic cost of jams along the freeway) that there definitely is a problem (thus countering what opposed groups may say), and then cite impact reports to show that your solution has the most favorable outcome. In this way, the sources will support the argument, rather than the background info.
It really comes across that you've done your research for this essay. Best of luck with your final revisions next week.
Jason
ReplyDeleteYour rough draft still needs some work but you have a great backbone. Im sure you will do this for your final draft but make sure you proof-read your essay. I noticed several gramatical errors that spellcheck will miss and their are certain parts that are worded weirdly. I do not know what style your paper is in (MLA, APA, etc.) but make sure you follow the conventions of that style (header, title, were you should put your name). You also should take a stance in your paper. Their is a lot of information given but you should add some personal opinion on how you feel on the controversy. Now you did do a great job with your sources and citing in your paper. I can tell you did a lot of research and know a lot about the issue.
Good Luck
Great start Jason. There are a few things that are worth noting:
ReplyDeleteI loved your multitude of real quotes and citations. It created a form that you can easily expand upon. By having concrete details as the framework, you focus more upon the organization now instead of trying to find more support. The hard part is now over.
I suggest that you make a flashy hook. In order to pull the reader in, I cannot stress the value of an important hook. If the reader doesn't want to read past the first 2 sentences then they might have a bias one way or another.
Your conclusion could use a little bit more work, but overall, great start, and you are very close to an excellent final cut.