I will look at one of my main opposition paragraphs, which I consider to be too long. The content of this paragraph did not change very much in total. The most major change that was made in this paragraph was to clarify some sentences and some terms that were used. This clarification allows the reader to more accurately picture the setting and the location.
The form of this paragraph did change significantly however. I decided that the paragraph was definitely too long, thus I split it into two paragraphs. I am also considering adding direct quotes which will mean that the paragraph will most likely have to be split again to keep it from being too long. Other small form issues that were tackled were looking at sentence structure and splitting sentences up. I decided that some sentences had to be rewritten and others needed to be separated completely.
Here is the original paragraph:
"There is much opposition to the freeway and in order to understand the best way to compromise, the issues the opposition raises must be addressed. Phoenix is a city which can be considered a “melting-pot” of cultures and peoples. Each project that is built in a city must be built with respect to each of those cultures and people groups. The South Mountain Freeway would traverse the Ahwatukee Region of Phoenix, a neighborhood between the proposed freeway path and the actual South Mountain. The freeway would also go next to the Gila River Indian Nation along with several neighborhoods in southwest Phoenix, the towns of Avondale and Tolleson. Nevertheless thousands of people will be within direct proximity of the freeway and likely have some sort of vested interests in the region. Along with the direct impacts of the freeway, there are also several concerns that have been raised by environmental groups about the freeway. The L202 Freeway is just part of a larger environmental argument that states that the world needs to stop building new freeways completely in order to combat climate change. The idea is that any new freeways will promote the use of fossil fuels and continued climate change. Another environmental argument is that the freeway will interrupt natural habitats that thus far have been left fairly natural and wild. There are several animal species that call South Mountain home and also live in the land inhabited by the Gila River Tribe. Construction and the new open access to the South Mountain area could completely altar the habitats of these animals. The Gila River Tribe also began their argument with that same sentiment, to them they are responsible to take care of the land and creatures around them. The tribe also has cultural roots and connections to the mountain. They believe that the mountain was the place where their people were created, the mountain is their origin story; for these O’odham people, the mountain is more than just a mountain, it’s a reminder of where they came from and who they are. The freeway would traverse the area between their lands and the mountain that they revere. This freeway would be a literal blockade that would cut them off from freely walking up to the mountain. The tribe was so strongly opposed to the idea of the freeway that they would not let the freeway be built across their lands, thus for the freeway to work it had to be completely run through the city of Phoenix. This means unfortunately that the freeway would have to be built through part of the end of the mountain, which means extensive blasting and destruction of part of the mountain so that the freeway could be put through. This is even more upsetting to the tribe and to environmentalists and even to a lot of local residents. For them the necessity to destroy a sacred natural habitat is a deal breaker and is the ultimate unforgivable sin of this freeway."
Here is the new section:
" There is
much opposition to the freeway. In order to understand the best way to
compromise, the issues the opposition raises must be addressed. The City of
Phoenix can be considered a “melting-pot” of cultures and peoples. Each project
built in a city must be built with respect to each of those cultures and people
groups. The South Mountain Freeway would traverse the Ahwatukee Region of
Phoenix, a neighborhood between the proposed freeway path and the actual South
Mountain. The freeway would also run next to the Gila River Indian Nation along
with several neighborhoods in southwest Phoenix including Laveen along with
being near the towns of Avondale and Tolleson. Thousands of people will be
within direct proximity of the freeway and likely have some sort of vested
interests in the region.
Along
with the direct impacts of the freeway, there are also several concerns that
have been raised by environmental groups about the freeway. The anti-L202
Freeway argument is just part of a larger environmental argument stating that
the world needs to stop building new freeways completely in order to combat
climate change. The idea is that any new freeways will promote the use of
fossil fuels and continued climate change. Another environmental argument is
that the freeway will interrupt natural habitats that thus far have been left
fairly natural and wild. There are several animal species that call South
Mountain home and also live in the land inhabited by the Gila River Tribe.
Construction that creates new open access to the South Mountain area could
completely altar the habitats of these animals. The Gila River Tribe also began
their argument with that same sentiment, to them they are responsible to take
care of the land and creatures around them. The tribe has cultural roots and
connections to the mountain. They believe that the mountain was the place where
their people were created, the mountain is their origin story. O’odham people
believe the mountain is more than just a mountain, it’s a reminder of where
they came from and who they are. The freeway would traverse the area between
their lands and the mountain that they revere. This freeway would be a literal
blockade that would cut them off from freely walking up to the mountain. The
tribe was so strongly opposed to the idea of the freeway that they would not
let the freeway be built across their lands, thus for the freeway to be built
it had to be completely run through the city of Phoenix. This means
unfortunately that the freeway would have to be built through part of the west
side of the mountain. This means extensive blasting and destruction of part of
the mountain so that the freeway could be built to code. This is even more
upsetting to the tribe, to environmentalists, and even to a lot of local
residents. For them the necessity to destroy a sacred natural habitat is a deal
breaker and is the ultimate unforgivable sin of this freeway." 
No comments:
Post a Comment